


Codependency

by TheKidFromYesterday



Category: Supernatural
Genre: AU, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Established Relationship, F/M, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, I'm Sorry Dean, I've never written Destiel before, M/M, Minor Character Death, This is going to start off pretty sad, actually, dealing with death, idk - Freeform, it's all pretty sad, sorry - Freeform, writer!Cas
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-02-10
Updated: 2016-03-21
Packaged: 2018-05-19 11:08:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,546
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5965069
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheKidFromYesterday/pseuds/TheKidFromYesterday
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Being close to a poison will inevitably kill you, but what happens when you're desperately in love with it?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> The beginning of writing for this fandom. I'm on a downward spiral that will probably consume my life, so I hope you enjoy this. All mistakes are my own, I do not have a beta :)

“Cas!”  
I yanked out my headphones and glance up from my computer screen to see Dean leaning heavily on the door frame, his eyes unfocused until they land on me. I can’t help but feel a huge rush of relief when I see him still in one piece. My mind has a tendency of going immediately to the worst possible scenario the moment he’s not back at the exact time promised. He had disappeared this morning without telling me where he was going, leaving me to angrily watch his phone that he left behind and wait for him to come home. If he came home at all tonight.  
“Dean—are you drunk?”  
“Yes.” He says simply, “I’m drunk.” He sways, looking confused for a second. “Are you?”  
My chest tightens, and I shake my head a little. “No, I’m not.”  
“Oh.”  
“Go get some rest.” I know he sleeps like a log when he’s drunk, and he needs sleep more than anything right now.  
The green eyed man nods, and pushes himself off the door frame to head to our room and I turn my attention back onto my screen. I don’t even know where he was or who he was with and I wish I didn’t have to worry about him like this. I wish we were the way we were before, the easy, in love, simpleness that came with naivety.  
“Cas?”  
I look up again and see that he hasn’t moved from the door and he’s swaying on his feet. One hand is gripping the side of the doorway, his knuckles white on the wood.  
“Yeah?”  
“I want to be with you.” Dean stumbles towards the couch where I’m sitting, almost tripping over the edge of it and I move over to make room for him. He crawls on to the couch next to me, pulling his knees up to his chest and wrapping his arms around them. I hand him one of my headphones and turn up the music, hoping it will eventually put him to sleep.  
He watches me write for a while, trying to read the words as I type them up. I wonder if he’s actually reading what I’m writing and if he understands it. My writing has gotten progressively darker over the past few months, it’s mood matching that of ours nowadays. Every so often I glance over at Dean and see that his eyelids are fluttering shut but he fights to keep them open, trying to focus on the words.  
“Dean, would you like to go to bed?” I ask him, “I can go lay down with you.” But he shakes his head a little, his eyes half closed, but still trying to focus on my writing.  
“Nah I wanna be here.” He mumbles, his words slurred. He puts his head down on my shoulder and sighs, “Wanna be here with you.”  
“Okay.” I kiss his forehead. His hair smells like smoke. “I love you.”  
He yawns, nodding. “Okay.”  
It hurts. There were times when ‘I love you’ were the only words that we said to each other for hours and it was enough. We could live on those words, and now—  
Now, it had been weeks since he’d last said them to me.  
“I love you.” I would say.  
“I know.” He would say.  
“Okay.” He would say.  
“You shouldn’t.” He would say.  
That was the worst.  
It sounded like a warning.  
“You shouldn’t love me.”  
It scared me.  
After a little while, I move my computer off my lap and put it on the table in front of us, turning on the tv instead. I put my arm around the man, pulling him closer and he lays his head down on my lap, curling up next to me to watch.  
I reach over the back of the couch and grab a blanket to cover him up and hopefully make him more comfortable. His hand reaches out a clutches the blanket in front of his face, his fists gripping the fabric so tight that his knuckles turn white. I run my fingers through his hair, loving the way that he leans in to the touch as if on instinct. Looking down at him, I see him still trying to stay awake, his long eyelashes flickering as he tries to focus on the screen. Every once in a while they’ll close and I think he’s asleep until he suddenly jerks them open again, shaking his head almost like he’s afraid to fall asleep. He hasn’t slept in such a long time, except for when he drinks enough to knock him out, and I know how much he needs it. Gently, I reach down and place my hand against his cheek, rubbing my thumb slowly over his cheekbone. He lets out a tiny sigh, a tiny ‘falling asleep’ sigh.  
“Baby, why are you hurting yourself like this?” I whisper to him. “I want you to be okay.”  
His eyes flutter shut and this time they stay closed. His breathing slows and evens out and I let out a breath.  
“I want us to be okay.”  
I wish I could tell him how much he’s hurting me by hurting himself. I want to tell him that every time I see him I want to cry, and hold him against me, never letting him go. I want to tell him that I need him. He’s become such a huge part of me that I don’t even know what I’d do if I lost him. I know what’s happening to me, what it’s called.  
Codependency.  
It’s when the person close to the addict spends so much of their lives trying to help them that it takes over their own life. It becomes their addiction, trying to help this one poisoned person.  
The poison spreads like a virus.  
But I don’t want him to know this. I don’t want him to know how I’m becoming codependent on him or else he might push me away.  
Even when I get tired, I stay where I am, not wanting to wake him up. He looks so vulnerable right here, with a little crease on his forehead as he dreams, and I lean down to kiss his cheek.  
“Cas?” He whispers, and I barely hear him.  
“Shh, yeah.” I say back, not sure if he’s awake or not.  
“Cas.” He breathes out, bringing his hand up to rest on my knee.  
I gently push my arms underneath him, so that I can move, pulling him close to my chest as I lay down on the couch as well, barely fitting our two bodies on the narrow cushions. My arms wrap around him, holding him against me as his nuzzles his face in to my chest.  
“I love you.” I whisper, and he sighs against me before falling back to sleep.  
I wish he would say it back.  
It wasn’t always like this.  
A few months ago, neither of us would have ever imagined that we’d end up like this. I wouldn’t be able to imagine a world where kisses are rare, where sharing a bed is an awkward experience, where loving my boyfriend is a challenge in itself.  
And yet it happened.  
I wish I knew what caused it. It was as if all of a sudden someone had flipped a switch on Dean, forcing him in to drinking and who knows what else that I wasn’t aware of.  
There had been times when all I could imagine in our future was a happy ending in which the two of us would never be parted. I had always been so confidant in our relationship that anything other than happiness and contentment between us seemed absurd. Now though, there are times when I’m scared that all of that is gone and not coming back.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How it all started...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey ya'll, here's another chapter for ya. Sorry I suck at updating, but I'm working on a whole lotta stuff rn, and also, I usually write for other fandoms. Actually just the Phandom, but whatevs. Enjoy :)

ONE YEAR EARLIER  
“Cas, ‘m back!”  
It was inevitable, the way a smile forms on my lips as I heard those words, no matter how often they were uttered. They’re a foreshadowing of togetherness that never seemed to get old between us and I didn’t think I’d ever tire of hearing them.  
“In here!” I call back, letting Dean know where I was. Although in all fairness, I hadn’t actually moved from my position since he had left, but he didn’t need to know that. He was already always on my ass about not doing anything other than write.  
The sound of Dean’s boots hitting the wood floor of the apartment, getting closer with each step, are enough to make butterflies flutter in my stomach. As he enters the room, I get up from my position on the couch, smiling still as I move to capture his lips with mine and earning myself a surprised, yet pleased sound from him.  
“Hey there.” He smirks, when we finally pull apart, “Not saying I don’t like surprises or anything, but I was only gone for a few hours.”  
Rolling my eyes, I reach up to run my fingers through his hair, an eternal pleasure of mine that we both seem to enjoy equally. “Am I not allowed to kiss you whenever I want to? Because I can stop at any time if you want to.”  
We both know the threat is hollow, resulting in another kiss before he pulls back, “Help me unload the groceries, it’s lonely without you.”   
I can’t help but think about how sickly sweet our relationship has become since we first met. From sharing the occasional cup of coffee and rude remarks at the Starbucks where I used to work, to now sharing everything from clothes to food to a bed. We were exactly the type of couple that I’d internally roll my eyes at in public when I saw them making out at the mall or sharing a meal and drink at a restaurant, but I suppose that’s just how the universe works. No matter how much the concept of a ‘too in love’ couple grosses me out, I wouldn’t trade Dean for anything else in Heaven and earth.   
“What are you smiling about?” Dean’s teasing question pulls me back to reality, bringing me to realize that he had already put away most of the groceries while I stood and watched. “I mean, don’t mind me doing all the work here, by all means, go on ahead and stand there.”  
For being the love of my life, he sure did have a way of knowing exactly what to say to annoy me.   
“Shut up, Dean, I am helping.” I tell him petulantly, sticking my tongue out at him to show how much I didn’t care about the teasing. “I’m providing moral support.”  
My words earn a short burst of laughter from the man, his eyes lighting up as he shakes his head, as if in disbelief at me. “You’re ridiculous.” He informs me, still smiling as he puts away the last of the food.  
“But you love me.”  
He lets out a soft, partly suppressed laugh at that, grabbing my hand in his as he leads me out of the kitchen. “That I do, Cas.”  
We head back to the living room, me taking my previous position with my feet up on the coffee table and my laptop resting on my legs and Dean throws himself down next to me, all personal space between us thrown out the window. He reaches for the remote, switching on some football game that I have no interest in and lowers the volume.  
“You ever feel like your life is passing you by?” He asks, and I shake my head.  
“Do you?”  
“Sometimes.” He frowns. “Not now though. I’m happy right now.”  
Leaning over towards him, I press a kiss to his cheek before focusing back on the screen in front of me. “Good to know.”  
“So? How’s the novel coming?”   
I roll my eyes slightly, “I’m not writing a novel, Dean, you know that. It’s a collection of short stories.”  
“Right, right, I know. Just teasing.” He grins, placing his arm over the back of the sofa behind me and letting me snuggle up closer to him as he drops his arm down around my shoulders. “How’s that coming?”  
I shrug, “Pretty okay actually. Would probably be better if I didn’t have an incredibly cute boyfriend who insisted on distracting me whenever I sat down to write.”  
He laughs, “Alright whatever, I’ll shut up.”  
After a few more minutes of Dean half talking to the television and distractedly running a hand through my hair, he breaks his vow of silence. “Cas?”  
I sigh in half-real exasperation and turn my entire body towards him, raising an eyebrow. “Yes, Dean?”  
“Sorry to bug again,” he starts, but the grin on his face tells me that he’s too pleased about having my full attention to actually be regretful. “You think that we’ll get married someday?”  
The question surprises me at first, because even if I think about it on an almost weekly basis, I didn’t think that the thought ever came to his mind. Dean just didn’t seem like the marriage type to me, he seemed too young, even though he was a year older than me. He had a young spirit, I decide fondly, He’ll probably always seem like a child.  
“I don’t know,” I answer him, chewing my lip as I speak, “I mean, probably. I wouldn’t still be with you if I didn’t want to ever marry you someday.”  
My words bring a smile to his face that goes from his chin all the way up to his eyes. “Yeah?”  
“Of course.” I return the smile. “I mean, I don’t know if I’m ready for something of that magnitude just yet, but yes, I could see us eventually settling down together.”  
He nods, looking more pensive than delighted now, his bright, candy apple green eyes staring off in the direction of the kitchen.   
We leave it at that, choosing not to have a whole conversation as to when exactly we would want to pop the question and simply enjoy each other's company for the moment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woo another chapter down! Thanks for reading and leaving all those lovely kudos and comments! They make me 157% happier :D


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A little backstory?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! I'm not dead! Remember when i said I was going to update frequently?  
> Ha. Ha.  
> Yeah.

It’s incredibly distracting when you’re trying to get something done that should be fairly simple, for instance, making breakfast, when literally everywhere you go, you’re followed by a persistent boyfriend who is determined to kiss you at every possible moment.  
“Dean, I swear to God, let me go.” The comment is half hearted, as no one really wants to say no to a small make out session, but this had been the third this morning. “Do you actually want me to stop cooking and you can go ahead and make yourself some sort of half assed breakfast? Cause I’m perfectly happy making my own and leaving you to make yours.”   
He laughs, a full, throwing your head back sort of laugh, and pulls me in for one last kiss before letting me go back to the stove where the pancakes were so obviously burning. “Come on, you know you love it.”  
I offer him a slight smile, because it’s almost impossible not to smile when Dean’s around. Just his personality makes me want to grin all the time, which can be fairly tiring on my face muscles. “Yes, of course I love it. But just not when I’m making breakfast.”  
He chuckles, hopping up on the counter next to me to watch, his feet kicking the cabinet below him like a child.   
As I cook, I allow myself to watch him as his attention is diverted to the food. He really is beautiful, I think, absentmindedly flipping a pancake and almost missing the pan completely. He has these bright green eyes that constantly seem to be excited about something, and seeing him without a smile on his face is a rare sight.   
He’s one of those people who can brighten a room with only his presence, can make even the saddest of people laugh, and I can’t believe that I’ve somehow ended up with him in my life.  
And in my bed.  
“Commere.” He makes grabby hands for me and I oblige almost instantly, after quickly putting more batter on the skillet. Stepping in between his legs, I can barely reach his lips when I stand on my toes and he leans down to accommodate for the height difference.  
Our lips connect and I feel butterflies in my stomach thoroughly panicking as they do. Countless kisses shared between us and I still see fireworks when we’re close.  
Lazy kisses that taste like orange juice and pancakes and syrup are, in my opinion, the best.   
“Oh.” He pulls back for a second and I almost whine at the loss of contact. He smirks, “Easy there tiger. I forgot to tell you earlier, but I’m going upstate for the weekend next week to visit in with Sammy. It’s been months since I last saw the kid and he stopped returning my calls a few days ago.”  
I frown, pulling back to check on the food which is almost completely black by the time I get to it. “Oh? I didn’t know he stopped calling. Do you suppose he’s okay?”  
Dean waves off my worry with a shake of his head, “Nah, Jess woulda called if something happened. ‘Sides, visiting him’ll be be fun.”  
I try not to feel disappointed when I realize that I’ll have the apartment to myself for a weekend, not to mention a bed to myself as well.   
“Alright.” I smile, tossing a surprisingly okay pancake on his plate and handing it to him with a small kiss. “Call me when you get up there?”  
“Of course.” His smile makes my heart pound in my chest even after years of practice. “I’ll make sure Sammy knows you say hi.”  
Breakfast is finished without any other sort of news, just happily eating together and tangling our legs underneath the table. Every smile that Dean shoots at me makes the butterflies in my stomach flutter, no matter how many times he does so, and I wonder how the hell I managed to land such a great guy in my life.  
When we first met, we were both in college, and he would come to the Starbucks that I worked at every few days to catch up on homework. From the moment I saw him, I couldn’t take my eyes off of him but I had kept my distance because I knew that there would be no chance between the two of us.   
I was this dorky guy who was majoring in world religions and creative writing, never having gotten detention in high school and always handing in my homework on time. I was known by everyone as a goody two shoes and frankly, I was okay with that. Being known by everyone as a good student, I was mostly left alone. On the other hand, Dean was my mirror opposite. I could tell by the frustrated looks on his face and half assed motivation on his homework while he was at Starbucks that he wasn’t doing too great in his classes. He always looked like he had just fucked someone or was fucked by someone and his general attitude towards everyone was basically a huge “I don’t care”. Just looking at him bugged me.  
Well, maybe it was the fact that I somehow managed to have a crush on a guy like him that bugged me.   
We exchanged a few words during our college years, but nothing too remarkable. Everything we said to each other was rude, annoyed, and made my heart go crazy which, in turn, made myself only more upset.  
Dean Winchester wasn’t the sort of guy that would take someone out on a date. He never seemed like someone who would watch a movie with you, cook dinner with you or have a life with you. Instead, he looked like someone who would use you for a one night stand and leave you empty the next morning with only a memory and a story to tell your friends. He was rough, rude, perpetually smirking, and I couldn’t have hated myself more for liking him.   
When he asked me on a date, I said no.  
I had thought that he just wanted another casual fuck, another one time thing, but he was relentless. Every day when he came up to grab his coffee from the counter he would ask me out in some form or another.   
He offered to take me out to dinner. To a movie. Meet up after class. Hang out after my shift ended. Finally when he asked just to walk me back to my dorm after my shift, I caved and agreed.  
It proved to be him literally only being nice and gentlemanly without shoving me against a wall, which I was grateful for.   
He walked me back almost every night for weeks following, apologizing profusely if he ever missed a day and as I got to know him, I realized that he was nothing like how I assumed he was.  
Yes, he wasn’t doing too great on grades, but he wasn’t who I thought he was He had never had a one night stand. He loved romance. He hated dogs. He liked to cook. He hated being called stupid.   
He liked me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hiiiiii I hope you liked! Sorry it was short and rather sucky, but I needed to post something and I was like, "Hey, here's something that I've been neglecting for a while!" I'm not positive on where this story is going, so like, if you have a suggestion, then by all means let me know. :P  
> Also come say hi on tumblr because i'm a very lonely person and I need friends.   
> I'm attemptingauthor :)

**Author's Note:**

> Woo chapter one is finished! Leave kudos and comments to make me smile!! And you can yell at me for not updating on time or following any sort of plan for this story!


End file.
